some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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