I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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