peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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