Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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