Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
