What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
