Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
