If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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