I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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