she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
