I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I have already put on my inside pants.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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