Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize