My hand turned me down
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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