I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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