I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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