My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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