If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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