I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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