Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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