I'm so fucking centered right now
You're my little dorito
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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