i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
