Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
