who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
