these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
