yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Your penis caused this!
I think i got beer on your cat.
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