put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
