And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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