It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
