i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
