he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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