Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
