When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
