got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize