I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
