I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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