Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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