if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
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