Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
