im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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