Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
