i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
