Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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