why didn't you poke me back
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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