hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
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