I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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