cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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