can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
