FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
