Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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