I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
