dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
