i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
