so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
is that a dick in a sweater?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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