I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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