I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
