I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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