Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
