Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
