you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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