i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
God, I missed his penis.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
