we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
