i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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