Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
