Your dad touched me again.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
