Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
