dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize