She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
